This was originally written in March 2018
Today I am having a sick day watching netflix and just laying on the couch. I think I have a kidney stone. The hardest part about today is the all the emotions that a stupid kidney stone and bring up. Two days before I gave birth with my daughter I had a kidney stone. It was the single most painful and scary experience of my life. Then two days later I gave birth to C completely naturally. It was obviously very painful but not near as painful as that Kidney stone. So today I’m scared that it’s going to be super painful again. It’s also made me miss my husband (who I’m still married to because the divorce is not final yet). He was with me the whole and took care of me. The thing that’s hard is he was also so distant. When we brought my daughter home from the hospital he was so angry…it was so strange. Now I know he was texting with other women during that time and living a double life so I guess that behavior makes more sense now. The thing that’s been so hard for me today is that the thought of going through a kidney stone again (thankfully I’m not 9 months pregnant) without him by my side terrifies me and makes me so sad. I just want him to be here…
Saturday was a good day. This was really nice for me because the weekends are normally difficult for me. This one was a lot of fun and helped fill me with hope for future fun weekends. I took the kids creek walking with their uncle. They loved it so much. It was so fun watching them explore and just be kids. It was also one of the creeks I used to creek walk in when I was a kid.
I love being outdoors and in nature. I love working in my yard and mowing. At the beginning of summer I could hardly start my mower because I wasn’t strong enough. Now I can start it right away. These little victories and measures of growth are really encouraging to me these days. I’ve also joined a softball team through my church. It’s a lot of fun! I’m terrible, haha, but I am really enjoying myself. I kind of want to find a soccer team to join next!
Life is starting to move forward. Saturday was good. Today was not but I do feel like my good days are starting to actually be “good” and not just “not bad.” So that’s progress!
I have never been very athletic. Growing up I played soccer on a rec co-ed team but by the time I got to high school I started reffing soccer and did that instead of playing. I was homeschooled so I think that is one reason why I didn’t continue to play. I have always loved watching sports though. I really enjoyed reffing and getting paid to watch soccer. I’ve always loved watching baseball and football too. Basketball is the one sport that I just don’t really like.
Well, my non-athletic self decided to play church softball this summer. I got injured in the first two minutes of the second game…I bent down to pick up a ball and pulled a muscle in my leg. Seriously, it was really embarrassing. I’m doing better and hit in our games today but I never made it to first base because I can’t run quickly. It has been so much fun though. I love being at the park and meeting new people. It’s been so hot but even though it’s uncomfortable we had a really cold winter so I’m enjoying the heat. A positive about this season of change in my life is that I’m being braver and trying new things. It’s been a lot of fun.
So I just received a message from a stranger that reached out to me a couple weeks ago when I posted about my divorce on a Lisa Tekyrst post. She just asked me to pray for her marriage right now. I’m honored she asked and dropped everything to do so. Though I was surprisingly hit with a gut punch of grief. It came out of no where but the realization that I don’t even have a marriage to ask others to pray for just breaks my heart. I have spent countless hours praying and begging God to heal our marriage. I wanted so badly for Him to redeem our marriage, make it beautiful, and a testimony pointing to His grace and forgiveness. And now I don’t even have that to pray for.
I still pray for my ex constantly. Yesterday I made a pie. It was his favorite kind so of course I offered him a piece after he dropped the kids off. After he ate it and left I was cleaning up the kitchen and just overcome with the need to pray for His salvation and protection from himself. I realized that now when I pray for him it has absolutely nothing to do with me or making my life better. I prayed for him all of the time while we were married. Most of the things I prayed for were good but it would also better my life. Now it has nothing to do with my betterment and all to do with his salvation. I honestly don’t know if he needs eternal salvation, only God knows his heart, but I do know he needs saved from the choices he’s making. I love him so much and want to see him find true peace, joy, and contentment.
It’s such a weird place to be in this half in half out of love. I’m sure none of this makes sense. It’s just nice to get these thoughts out of my head.
My kids are 5 and 3. They go by B and C. They love riding their “bikes.” B rides a little bike with training wheels and C cruises around on her red Radio Flyer trike. Almost every evening they ride their bikes while I walk and we go to my brother’s house to hang out. It’s a nice way to break up the evening and get them worn out for bedtime. Well, today as we were walking west on our way home the sunset was coming through the trees. It was a beautiful summer evening. As I watched the kids riding up to our little home and they were so happy I couldn’t help but be filled with joy. It was truly such a beautiful moment. I thought to myself that this has been such a hard season but there is still a lot of beauty in it. My kids are only going to be 5 and 3 once. It’s such a fun stage. Next year we are going to be starting the new season of school. I cannot let stress, anger, or bitterness steal this year away from me. I will enjoy it and I will love it. We will count our blessings and make memories. I’ll still mourn and have my moments but it will not consume me.
We just got home from a week long amazing vacation to the beach. It was so relaxing and wonderful but I learned that the first vacation after a divorce is so mentally hard. I plan on writing more on that but I’m still processing a lot of what I spent processing this week, haha. Coming home is always my favorite part of vacation. It’s been hard tonight. Coming back to this reality that I’m not happy with. This reality that I fought so hard against for years. After I got the kids to bed I broke down and started crying. My five year old tenderhearted little boy came in asked me to snuggle him while I cried because snuggling always makes us feel better. So I did that and we talked a bit. I told him that I was sad that things are different now and I normally don’t say it to often but I just mentioned how I was so sad that daddy made the choices that he did. My son said, “Mommy, when Jesus comes back and heaven is on earth daddy will make the right choices.” He already has a wisdom beyond his years and an eternal perspective that is right on. I can’t wait until Jesus comes back and heaven is on earth. I know B thinks that when that day comes we will all live together again and be a regular family…probably because to him that is heaven on earth.
Please…if you are a random person that is reading this and you are not content in your marriage or with your family. Don’t look anywhere else…cultivate what you have. Nourish it and take care of it. Put some extra effort into it. I know it takes both parties to make things work but please dedicate yourself to the promises you’ve already made. Beautiful things will come from your hard work. Divorce is horrible…it hurts everyone involved. Sometimes it’s absolutely necessary but a lot of times it isn’t. Please take care of your family…
Betrayal. It’s such an ugly, sharp sounding word. I think it’s the hard “T” sound that is right in the middle of the word. It’s like a sharp dagger piercing into me. It pierces into my head and all the moments and memories good and bad come pouring out. Times I knew in the depths of my heart that something was not right but I had nothing to prove my intuition. When I could tell that the kisses that were given to me were done so out of obligation and not love. The four separate moments through out the past seven years that I knew that life as I had come to know it was falling apart around me. Though the good times come pouring out too. Our wedding, the birth of our children, buying our house but these memories are all tainted now with betrayal. Betrayal has pierced into my heart and the hurt is so deep. This pain is like nothing I’ve ever felt. When two become one it takes the sharp dagger of betrayal to rip it back into two. It’s definitely not a clean rip. I feel that stab and rip in my heart every day. It hurts and I’m so tired and weary. I want healing and redemption. I want these ashes to be turned into something beautiful. I have hope. I know it will come and God will work this all out. I just pray that the pain lessens. I can’t imagine I’ll ever not wonder how things would have been if this horrible dagger didn’t come tearing apart our family and marriage. The hardest fact is that the person I loved the most was the one wielding this horrible weapon.
I have a verse and one word that is on my heart tonight. “The Lord is close to the broke hearted and saves those who are crushed in Spirit” Psalm 34:18. And the (two) word on my heart is “make new.”
Lord, I know you are close to me because I am broken hearted and I know you will save me because I am crushed in Spirit. Please redeem this whole situation. I don’t know how I will love again. I don’t know how I’ll trust again. I don’t know how I’ll be able to be awake at night with out crying again. Just take all of these broken pieces of my life, my heart, my head, and make it new. Lead me where you want me to go. I have no clue what that looks like for the future but I know that for tomorrow it looks like getting up and going to work to provide for my kids and myself. Please give me the strength and the grace to do my job well. Please give me the strength and the grace to do my life well. Please heal my heart, you have already redeemed it and made it new for eternity but please make it new for the here and now. Please give me courage to not fear this pain and the hardships that are coming with this season. I pray for boldness and hope. Give me discernment but also please help me to trust again. I ask that you keep away unfounded cynicism and bitterness. Give me joy and help me to shine with your peace that passes all understanding. Please shield my heart and mind from the dagger of betrayal. My faith is in You, Lord and I know you will protect me. Thank you for always being faithful. You understand betrayal and can sympathize and comfort. I praise you for your sovereignty, your holiness, and your faithfulness.
I’ve gotten a full time job. Oh how I miss staying home with my kids. Even with all the crap I’ve gone through marriage wise the last 4.5 years staying home full time with my babies were the best years I’ve spent. I really enjoy my job which is a huge positive. Every time I walk into work I am overwhelmed with a peace that passes all understanding and I know beyond a shadow of the doubt that it is the Holy Spirit. I wouldn’t be able to be away from my kids as much as I am if I wasn’t overwhelmed with that peace. I am so thankful that God has give that to me. It seems like my kids are adjusting well. Thankfully they are with my family every day so they don’t have to go to daycare. My family has stepped up in so many ways to help me out during this season. It’s so humbling.
God has been guiding and providing for us in so many ways. Thankfully I was in a position that I didn’t have to find a job immediately. Honestly, I didn’t even really job hunt. I knew in my heart that God was going to lead me to the right job. One day I had a friend show me a job posting at the local elementary school. So I applied and I got an interview. Honestly, It was like the 3rd real interview I’ve ever had. I was pretty nervous but the interview went really well and I was hoping I would get the job. I ended up not getting it and was disappointed but it helped me realize that I really wanted to work in the schools so I can be on the same schedule as my kids. We fast forward like 2 or 3 weeks later and the exact same position opened up at the other local elementary school. I interviewed on Friday, was offered the job on Tuesday, and started for a few hours that Friday. It has pretty much been a whirlwind ever since! It’s been perfect timing which I new God would orchestrate. Approximately two weeks after I started my ex lost his job and there went the support and other logistical things that I had been depending on. God knew and He’s taking care of us. This whole thing is a huge step of faith though. Honestly, I have always been really intimidated by schools. I was home schooled and I really don’t have a good context for everything that goes one…I didn’t even know what field day was! It’s been great though and the sense of peace that I feel just helps me know that I am where God wants me to be. I look forward to one day share with my kids all the ways God is leading and providing for us. They don’t really see it right now. But I know they will someday. I hate with all that is inside of me that my kids are hurting but I pray that they will feel God’s presence in our home and sense His hand in leading and caring for us. My 5 year old quit praying. It was probably a phase but it also concerned me a bit just with all the upheaval that is going on in his life I was afraid he didn’t want to pray anymore. I never forced him to pray though because I want to help cultivate a relationship with Jesus for my kids, not force them into religion and a set of habits and routines. Tonight he prayed on his own and it was the sweetest prayer. These are the moments that I relish right now.
Help me raise these babies to trust, love, and honor you. Fill them with faith and love for you and for others. Guide us and protect us. I am so weak and I cannot do this on my own. Fill me with your Spirit and keep me from quenching Him in any way. Thank you for being faithful.
“I will extol the LORD at all times; his praise will always be on my lips. I will glory in the LORD; let the afflicted hear and rejoice. Glorify the LORD with me; let us exalt his name together. I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame. This poor man called, and the LORD heard him; he saved him out of all his troubles. The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him, and he delivers them. Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the one who takes refuge in him. Fear the LORD, you his holy people, for those who fear him lack nothing. The lions may grow weak and hungry, but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing. Come, my children, listen to me; I will teach you the fear of the LORD. Whoever of you loves life and desires to see many good days, keep your tongue from evil and your lips from telling lies. Turn from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it. The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous, and his ears are attentive to their cry; but the face of the LORD is against those who do evil, to blot out their name from the earth. The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. The righteous person may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all; he protects all his bones, not one of them will be broken. Evil will slay the wicked; the foes of the righteous will be condemned. The LORD will rescue his servants; no one who takes refuge in him will be condemned.”
Psalm 34:1-22 NIV