Betrayal. It’s such an ugly, sharp sounding word. I think it’s the hard “T” sound that is right in the middle of the word. It’s like a sharp dagger piercing into me. It pierces into my head and all the moments and memories good and bad come pouring out. Times I knew in the depths of my heart that something was not right but I had nothing to prove my intuition. When I could tell that the kisses that were given to me were done so out of obligation and not love. The four separate moments through out the past seven years that I knew that life as I had come to know it was falling apart around me. Though the good times come pouring out too. Our wedding, the birth of our children, buying our house but these memories are all tainted now with betrayal. Betrayal has pierced into my heart and the hurt is so deep. This pain is like nothing I’ve ever felt. When two become one it takes the sharp dagger of betrayal to rip it back into two. It’s definitely not a clean rip. I feel that stab and rip in my heart every day. It hurts and I’m so tired and weary. I want healing and redemption. I want these ashes to be turned into something beautiful. I have hope. I know it will come and God will work this all out. I just pray that the pain lessens. I can’t imagine I’ll ever not wonder how things would have been if this horrible dagger didn’t come tearing apart our family and marriage. The hardest fact is that the person I loved the most was the one wielding this horrible weapon.
I have a verse and one word that is on my heart tonight. “The Lord is close to the broke hearted and saves those who are crushed in Spirit” Psalm 34:18. And the (two) word on my heart is “make new.”
Lord, I know you are close to me because I am broken hearted and I know you will save me because I am crushed in Spirit. Please redeem this whole situation. I don’t know how I will love again. I don’t know how I’ll trust again. I don’t know how I’ll be able to be awake at night with out crying again. Just take all of these broken pieces of my life, my heart, my head, and make it new. Lead me where you want me to go. I have no clue what that looks like for the future but I know that for tomorrow it looks like getting up and going to work to provide for my kids and myself. Please give me the strength and the grace to do my job well. Please give me the strength and the grace to do my life well. Please heal my heart, you have already redeemed it and made it new for eternity but please make it new for the here and now. Please give me courage to not fear this pain and the hardships that are coming with this season. I pray for boldness and hope. Give me discernment but also please help me to trust again. I ask that you keep away unfounded cynicism and bitterness. Give me joy and help me to shine with your peace that passes all understanding. Please shield my heart and mind from the dagger of betrayal. My faith is in You, Lord and I know you will protect me. Thank you for always being faithful. You understand betrayal and can sympathize and comfort. I praise you for your sovereignty, your holiness, and your faithfulness.